tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we broke up.

if i could tell you that i'm doing fine i'd be lying, you are still the first and last thought i have. its not fair and i will never truly understand why you have decided this on your own but i can't force you to stay or to be with me. parts of me feel like i was never enough or that i didn't try hard enough, i wasn't exciting enough or i wasn't pretty enough. was i too relaxed or was i too pushy for you? you have never been good with reassuring me and that's ok i learnt to focus on how you love me in your own way. 

i guess deep down i know it was a good decision for both of us. you thought i was too dependent on you but i wanted to spend every waking moment with you. maybe it was just selfish of me to want to linger behind in the car for just a moment longer. spending friday night with you broke me just a little more than i expected. your mum talked about marriage and how you would make a good father, all i could do is agree without crying, maybe because it's becoming a reality of you getting married to someone that isnt me. how can you touch me with that much love and hold my hand that night like nothing happened, 

the fact that i cant even call you my person hurts me more than anything else in the world rn. idk how the world keeps moving when the reason my world spins doesn't exist anymore. this is my first proper cry since the break up so I guess im doing ok.

Shady's looking at me like I need to get my shit together so I guess I'll wrap this up. 

I'm going through the phase where I look at you and can tell you that you're the love of my life and I'll wait for you until my last dying breath, but that's a lie. I was going to break eventually, the love I have always dreamt of wasn't there. I loved the idea of love and what we had was me relaxing into something you were comfortable with. Little to no communication, the only time I could talk to you was for league or when you happened to message me here or there. Was i too boring? I noticed you brought up interesting topics to friends with animation in your voice and a laugh i haven't heard in a long time. I'm jealous and sad that i wasn't able to bring that feeling out to you. 

A part of me believes you only hang out with me because of boyfriend duties, and not because you wanted to see me. a part of me wishes you cheated on me so i can curse you out to everyone and have a reason to hate you. 

You're not a bad person I just wish you loved me in a way I could understand. good night bb.