Happy Anniversary

 To the greatest love of my life (so far), 

it would've marked our 4th anniversary last week totalling 5 years together. I like to stop and think if anything would've changed with time, if the way we loved each other slowly melted into the compatibility we freshly started with. I hear about you from time to time, whispers of my past life brushing past like the breeze and i freeze with a lot of emotions.

I wonder how you are doing, if you are achieving everything you whispered to me as we talked about our dreams at 2am. That all the effort you put into your career is paying off. but the things I've heard makes me glad that you decided to pull the plug on us. I know I would've stayed. That I would've stupidly held your hand as you cried about all your bad decisions. I would've supported you as my heart kept breaking and even though we are over I've noticed a lot of our horrible habits in our relationship hanging around. 

I'm actually unsure if the habits I've grown familiar with are portrayed negatively in a truly healthy relationship. Maybe because the new one doesn't stay over, but I'm so used to just snuggling up to my safe and comfort person after a long day of work and sleeping. I'm unsure about everything in the situation I am in now but I know I am happier here than I was before. I know you loved the way you were taught but there was just so much hurt and pain that we both caused each other. 

I wonder if this is the last letter I will ever write to you, 

I hope you are happy because despite everything I am trying to be. 

10 months

 You posted her, 

Honestly shaken up, not upset because I’m being treated with all the love, kindness and patience in the world. However this is a “if he wanted to he would.” If you wanted to you would’ve made this work, you would’ve done everything I wish you did. 

I’m happy for her because she doesn’t have to go through the pain and suffering I did. I hope you’re doing well and that you have fought all the demons you struggled with. 

8 months

 

8 months in. 

It’s raining here today, and I miss you. It’s so stupid that I’m sitting here crying over a photo of you sleeping so peacefully. Why did we have to stop what we had, I love you so much it drives me crazy still. You are the love of my life it’s not fair. Why did you leave me?? 

7 months update

 7 months and I’ve feel like I’ve taken so many steps without you. In a sense I believe that you just didn’t know to love me. That I put you on a pedestal and saw potential. But that potential was my delusion, and it was how I would love myself if I was you. 

You have loved, supported and helped me a lot in your own way and I appreciate and valued you every second. But I read somewhere that all the hurt and resentment builds up inside you, that all your half hearted apologies will never heal me because deep down you kept doing it over and over again. And you keep rolling your eyes and saying it’s so long ago, why do you keep bringing it up? Women recall emotional events better than men, I experience the emotion of the memory the same way that I did when it first happened. My heart keeps dropping and honestly there’s just so many triggers where I’ve cried next to you or in a restaurant bathroom because I’ve suddenly gone back to that moment in our lives. I remember how I felt when I asked for an apology and you smiled sarcastically at me. Or how I felt when I read the horrible things you have said about me. 

 tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we broke up.

if i could tell you that i'm doing fine i'd be lying, you are still the first and last thought i have. its not fair and i will never truly understand why you have decided this on your own but i can't force you to stay or to be with me. parts of me feel like i was never enough or that i didn't try hard enough, i wasn't exciting enough or i wasn't pretty enough. was i too relaxed or was i too pushy for you? you have never been good with reassuring me and that's ok i learnt to focus on how you love me in your own way. 

i guess deep down i know it was a good decision for both of us. you thought i was too dependent on you but i wanted to spend every waking moment with you. maybe it was just selfish of me to want to linger behind in the car for just a moment longer. spending friday night with you broke me just a little more than i expected. your mum talked about marriage and how you would make a good father, all i could do is agree without crying, maybe because it's becoming a reality of you getting married to someone that isnt me. how can you touch me with that much love and hold my hand that night like nothing happened, 

the fact that i cant even call you my person hurts me more than anything else in the world rn. idk how the world keeps moving when the reason my world spins doesn't exist anymore. this is my first proper cry since the break up so I guess im doing ok.

Shady's looking at me like I need to get my shit together so I guess I'll wrap this up. 

I'm going through the phase where I look at you and can tell you that you're the love of my life and I'll wait for you until my last dying breath, but that's a lie. I was going to break eventually, the love I have always dreamt of wasn't there. I loved the idea of love and what we had was me relaxing into something you were comfortable with. Little to no communication, the only time I could talk to you was for league or when you happened to message me here or there. Was i too boring? I noticed you brought up interesting topics to friends with animation in your voice and a laugh i haven't heard in a long time. I'm jealous and sad that i wasn't able to bring that feeling out to you. 

A part of me believes you only hang out with me because of boyfriend duties, and not because you wanted to see me. a part of me wishes you cheated on me so i can curse you out to everyone and have a reason to hate you. 

You're not a bad person I just wish you loved me in a way I could understand. good night bb.

Missing J

 There is something about how the cold creeps and chills deep within me when you leave. I blame the issues I have deep within me and how I hate being alone. A L O N E. It's such a depressing thought but I feel like all the happiness within me saps away the more steps you take away from me. 

I'm truly trying to be ok with myself and I know my attachment to you isn't healthy.  I love you to the extent that I don't love myself anymore. I know that this isn't good and that you are only meant to be an extension of my happiness. 

But who am I fooling because I know you aren't happy with yourself nor are you happy with me? 

Why are we together when our relationship is only surface level? You have never once had a truly mind-retching and blowing conversation, or one where we were breathless from laughter. I want to feel again. The euphoric feeling with me throwing my phone away blushing or two am calls with me kicking my feet up in the air.

Life is short. Why am I feeling so lost with you. We barely have any history so why are stuck in this continous loop of fighting and never resolving anything.

1/06/2023

Despite how we ended, our last kiss was anything but horrid.
It was sweet, full of empty promises we thought would be kept.
It was fiery, our skin burning despite our cold hearts.
It was passionate as if it was our first kiss.
And it was full of love, the love that only burned until the sun came up.
And it was the Sun which cast away the secrets of the night.