To: J

What can I say?
You filled me with so much happiness it's strange to see that mysterious space you left.
The dark sadness slowly engulfing me whenever I try and touch those memories that I had locked up.

You tainted me with something,
maybe it was those tears that escaped from your eyes, touching my heart with emotions I can't put into words.
or maybe it was just how quickly you left without a single glance back as you walked away.
maybe it was just you.

My breath disappeared.
I felt winded.

and then THAT smile appeared. The smile that comes when you are truly at a state where your brain shuts down, at a loss of what to do your body pretends to be ok. a broken smile that flickers in tune with the tears that blink in and out of your eyes.

It is then that the heart snaps, snapping to work, overriding the brain into leading me then into denial.
A joke. This was all just a joke to scare me.

Maybe if I kept thinking this I might be able to stop this train from derailing. That he will once again pull me into his arms and kiss my forehead, soothing all my worries away. He will be back.

Maybe it was this thought that kept me from breaking down that day. And that week. And that month. My smile growing brighter as I waited for a call, a surprise visit or even just a text. He will be back.

That month turned into months.

It was then my heart was at a loss, knowing that shying away from the facts would only lead to a bigger downfall once I face it.

And it happened.

My breath disappeared.
I felt winded.

And the only one who opened up his arms to me, the one who stroked my hair and kissed my tears away was my memory of him.